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Iona Magazine :: Brotha's Point of View

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Gotta Man? Are you dating a man, or a boy in disguise? By: T.L. Griffin

Too often I hear women complaining of lack of...

... companionship, loneliness and Saturday nights spent alone or with girlfriends, instead of with a man or special someone.

These women are attractive, educated, young women with often times no children. Yet, no matter how intelligent they are, these women believe that the solution to their loneliness is a relationship with a man. Then they say,

“I can’t find a man.”

Does this sound like something you’ve said? In a sea of what seems to be a boatload of fish (men) let’s take a further look at why many women think that they can’t find a man. First of all, are you choosing from a selection of men or boy’s in disguise? I am

willing to bet that the men that you and many other women out there are choosing are the pretty boys that still live at home and are

floating from job to job. Why are these the first men that women choose? Because they look good! But, unfortunately their good looks only get them so far and usually these men, not all of them but a majority of them turn out to be nothing but boy’s, only out looking for a good time. Second, are you even looking for a man, or do you want a sponsor? Some women are not looking for

companionship; they are looking for a father figure, or someone to take care of them. Third, do you really want a committed

relationship or simply someone to take you out on dates?

It is important that women first decide what they are looking for. One needs to set standards for those that they interact with. One need not be ashamed, if your only expectation is that a man swerves you down to the ground. However, it is unreasonable that you expect a committed long-term relationship because you have some form of sex with a man. You need to know what you are looking for.

Forget women’s lib for a moment and let’s remember something that our mother’s said, “Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?” This is not to say that you should make a man pay monetarily (dinner, movies, flowers, candy etc…) for acts of

passion (unless you are looking for a sponsor). But, do remember that if a man can continually have sex with you and others with no commitment and no cost, why would he want it any other way. That is why you need to be clear on what you want.

It has been my experience that quite a few women say they have a man but really have a boy. Do you know how to identify a man? It is not as difficult as you might think. Here are a few tips to let you know if the male you have or want to make yours is actually a boy:

[1] He doesn’t have a job, and he is not in school.

[2] He doesn’t have a car, and it’s not in the shop.

[3] He doesn’t have a driver’s license, and it’s not suspended.

[4] He doesn’t know how to get to 2nd and J Street (from 4th and D Street and its only two blocks away).

[5] He only listens to rap music and, argues with you when you tell him that the beat is sampled, “no way, this guy is talented."

[6] He still lives with his mom in a one-bedroom apartment.

[7] He does not provide his children with a role- model (money is obvious).

[8] He refers to females as b****s (and not you in particular as a bad b****).

[9] He does not own one pair of nice dress shoes (but owns 20 pairs of tennis shoes).

[10] He does not make sure that you are sexually satisfied (and it’s over in less than ten minutes).

If you recognize any of these qualities, your guy is not relationship material. Moreover, if you identify with tip number ten, he’s not even sex material!


“He does not make sure that you are sexually satisfied”

Now, there is nothing wrong with a woman wanting to date more than one man at a time. I often say that women should learn how to date like men. That doesn’t mean sleep with everyone who takes you out, but that does mean that even if you are casually dating someone else and another man asks you out, then go ahead and go. This often happens to women and they turn down a date with man #2 because, they are waiting on man #1, (the man they think they really want) to get his crap together and ask them to be his girlfriend. When that never happens, the man who asked you out when you were too busy waiting on jerk number one, is on to the next woman, and now you will never know what could have been.

Going various places with different people can fill that loneliness void for some women. We all know ladies that if a man has the opportunity to go out with different women because; he does not have a committed relationship he will. Exercise your right to do the same and do not assume that three dates makes you a couple. However, the drama begins when you lead others to believe that they are the only one who takes you out. How many times has a man done this to you ladies? Don't fall into that same trap; decide what needs to be said and what doesn't. Often times it's not a good idea to tell too much but honesty is the best policy.

David, 24, is involved in a one-year relationship with Fujica, 23. After three months of dating, they began a committed relationship. When asked why they became committed to each other so quickly, David responded, “Love, I knew that I loved her after three months of dating. The first thing that I was attracted to was her eyes. But, what has kept me attracted to her is the fact that she is goal oriented. When I first met Fujica, I was not looking for a relationship, but after spending time with her and getting to know her
better, I knew that I wanted to be with her.”

Now ladies, I often hear men complaining that the women that they date are dumb. I know for a fact that there are way too many intelligent women out there for this to be a complaint, so don’t be afraid to speak your mind and show him just how intelligent you are. I don’t mean argue with him on every point, but do hold intelligent conversations with the man. The fact that you have “ass” that you can back up or a pretty face is more than enough to spark a man’s interest. Unfortunately, unless he wants to be your sponsor, it’s not enough to keep him interested.

You know you have to possess qualities other than physical beauty to have a relationship with someone. Also, many women often complain that men don’t like “big” women. What are you talking about? You do not have to be a size six with long hair and big breasts to be beautiful and confident! Take what God has given you and work it to its potential. That applies to every area of your life. It is important that besides knowing what you want in a man, you know who you are. Women need to accentuate their positive characteristics, inside and out. This is not for the sake of finding a man; it is so that you can remain happy with yourself, without a man.

If you wish to be compensated with gifts and money for sexual liaisons, find a sponsor. If you are tired of going to functions alone, then get a date. If you are tired of abstaining form sex or using a vibrator, find someone looking for discreet and intimate encounters. In her book, What Has She Got? Women Who Attract Famous Men-And How They Did It, Cynthia S. Smith said it best when she wrote, “It is not what you do, but how you feel about it that defines you.”

As a woman you should learn what is most conducive to keeping yourself happy and healthy. If what you’ve been waiting for is someone to share your space, time and feelings with, then you just might be in search of a man to call your own. And yes he’s out there, so the next time you find yourself sitting at home on a Saturday night saying to yourself, “I can’t find a man,” get off that couch and go out and look for one, or just shut up and get over it!

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