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Spencer for Hire

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This is not my work, I read it several years ago and got permission to reprint it. I love this piece. I often wonder about the double standards in our country and this confirms my theory and makes me laugh at the same time. Read it and then call or email me with your comments.

If President Clinton had to do it like the rest of us, this is how it SHOULD have gone:

Hi, Mrs. and Mrs. Clinton,

So, you want to buy the old Rye Brook place? That is 2.2 million and with the customary 20 percent down ($440,000) leaves a mortgage of $1,760,000.

Now, let's have a look at your financial statements. Let's see, Mr. Clinton, you are the President of the United States, of course, and your salary is $200,000 a year. We recommend buying a house that costs no more than two and a half times your annual salary. That means you should be looking for something around $500,000.

I see here that you will be out of a job in 6 months or so. What will you do then? Open a library in Little Rock, Arkansas? Yes, Sir. I bet that will be a moneymaker.

Mrs. Clinton, you are running for Senate, right? Senators are paid $130,000 a year, so even with your pension you are still looking at a house in the $825,000 range. Have you considered a nice center hall colonial? Mrs. Clinton, you haven't worked outside the house since 1991?

But you did some volunteer work? You tried to overhaul the entire national health care system? I see. But no one was interested? Yes, Ma'am, I have no doubt they all lacked your superior vision.

But you do have other experience? That is good. Oh yes, I see you had several business ventures back in Arkansas. Let us see... what about this Whitewater Development Corporation? Oh, I see. It went bankrupt. Well then, how about Madison Guaranty?

It went bankrupt also. And Castle Grande? Bankrupt, too. You actually did go to Yale though. A little bad luck with the law, too, I see. That is unfortunate. I note that three of your business partners went to jail. This is embarrassing I know but we have to ask because it does affect your ability to pay.
Do you have any marital issues? No? Oh, good.

Let's look at your assets: You owe $4.5 million. Mr. Clinton, how do you plan to pay that off? Oh! You are hoping people will donate to a special fund. So basically you're relying on the kindness of strangers to bail you out? How nice.

You also have some serious expenses at present. Stanford has got to be setting you back $30,000 to $35,000 a year - probably more with airfares. And she wants to go to medical school?

Legal problems? Oh, dear. I see a $90,000 fine for perjury, along with possible disbarment. I guess that pretty much rules out any income in the future working as an attorney, doesn't it?

Okay, let us review the situation: One of you is now unemployed and the other soon will be. Your business partners are in jail. You have debts equivalent to over 22 times your annual income (that you are hoping someone is going to come along and pay) and looming criminal indictments. Your tangible assets seem to consist of an old Ford...Thanks. We will be in touch.

The Mortgage Lender.

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