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Overcoming the Anxiety of Feeling Sexually Used: Part 2 of 2

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Men are often mistaken to only want one thing - sex. This reputation precedes the man and therefore dilutes the relationship from the onset. There are many men, though not nearly as many as women, who actually want to have an innocent date without the expectation of sex at the end. However, since each party is familiar with the preset rules of dating, the game begins. When people get beyond the preset way of thinking and candid honesty prevails, it might be discovered that a mutually satisfying relationship is possible when both parties have their basic needs met. When one party is deceived into fulfilling the sexual needs of the other in the hope that they have their love need met, sexual anxiety soon follows. Men and women don’t lie just to hurt each other, they lie to get their needs met.

Women are often mistaken to think that men harbor secret intentions of marriage. The old adage that ‘the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach causes many men to fear that every time he eats at a woman’s house, he might be biting into a trap, especially if intimacy is on the menu. In some cases, it is true, women use food to appeal to one of man’s most basic need - food. In exchange for her gift of food and intimacy for desert, she expects him to fulfill her basic need of love or security. Such miscommunication is breeding ground for the feeling of being misused.

Physically and mentally healthy people have basic needs, besides food, air, and water. Among these needs, and not necessarily in this order, are (1) love (2) security (3) adventure (4) freedom (5) acceptance (6) belonging (7) friendship (8) sex (9) expression, and (10) significance. Organizations such as clubs, churches, gangs, and civic groups are based on providing one of our basic needs, which is the need of belonging.

In exchange for our commitment, money, labor, and devotion we receive the sense of family, unity, love, support, hope, and security. If the church, for instance, is filling your need but you’re not filling the church’s need then the church is being misused. In interpersonal relationships, we hope for others who can fulfill one or more of our needs. Misuse occurs then one of the parties involved is receiving but not giving equally. One person might provide friendship, love, and sex but is only receiving sex in return. The person only receiving sex is being misused until he/she makes things equal. Being misused is not getting back what you are giving. To avoid the anxiety of feeling used select people, places, and things that are willing and capable of proving all of the needs you are willing and capable of providing in exchange.

Email: richardojones1@verizon.net

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