A childhood friend of mine has a 32-year-old daughter, who I consider a Goddaughter, engaged to be married, for the first time, to a 40- year-old three-time divorcee with six minor children by four different women. Recently, my Goddaughter invited me to meet her fiancée at his church where he is an associate minister. Aside from his ministerial position on Sunday he is a prison guard. Her family and friends are bombarding the young woman with warnings not to marry a man with his relationship history. Therefore, she wanted to receive a 10th or 11th opinion. Although I have not yet met this guy, I shared with her my opinion as to whether or not she should marry him based on life experiences and reality.
Well, I told my Goddaughter that my meeting him would not mean that I knew his character, mindset, and/or true intentions.
However, the mere fact that he attempted to be a husband and raise his children in a stable family structure is a sign of good character.
I also told her not to cast him aside too quickly because of his poor reputation at marriage.
Sometimes it is wiser to get out of a foreseeable life of misery than to stay married and die repeatedly on the inside. However, I advised her not to marry him without extended premarital counseling classes to discover the deeper reasons for his divorces beyond the explanations that he offered. Besides the man himself, determine the type of family values he learned as a child and how much those values are with him today and whether or not his values or in line with your values.
And regarding his many children – don’t try to be a mother or friend to them. Just treat them with respect and kindness as his wife. Don’t become emotionally attached to his children/family because a breakup with him also means a breakup with his children and your in-laws. I also reminded her that her reputation wasn’t snow white – she knew what I meant. Overall, I didn’t want to add to the weight of the negative omens already placed on their marital prospects.
There are some people that apparently love getting married but don’t want to put in the work. The idea of marriage – especially the fantasy idea of a wonderful marriage – trumps the reality that many couples never should have married. For some couples marriage is as exciting as buying a new car. However, when the car no longer has that new car smell the novelty begins to wear off.
Although the owner loves the car he or she doesn’t follow the strict requirements of the manual that came with the car. A few years down the line the car is in bad shape and ultimately the car owner gets rid of the now clunker.
However, the fantasy idea of a new car has not left the negligent exowner so they pursue another new car or another marriage.
|< Prev||Next >|